Almost Persuaded

On the brink I stood and I was almost persuaded.  The thrill of the jump into abandonment enticed me; the teasing flirtation of possible adventures beckoned me.  On the brink I stood and on that brink, I trembled with fear.  Shakily, I walked away with my head held high but my heart sinking swiftly.

Is this all there is of love–hours of mindless flirtation and dubious promises of sensual satisfaction culminating in an hour of physical connection?  What if he is the last man to ever notice me?  If indeed I am “all that”, then why is he the only one to recognize it?

It started out so innocently.  I didn’t even like him when I first met him.  He was arrogant and egotistical.  He was evil, making fun of my lack of worldliness.  He said things to deliberately get a rise out of me.  He even told me so when I asked him why he continued to tease me when he knew I stood for everything he opposed.  I suppose I amused him for some reason.  He could have easily had a handful of other women; they were always clamoring for his attention and certainly matched his lifestyle.  Maybe he had already had them.

Randomly our paths continued to cross.  The “poking fun” attitude slowly merged into friends at ease.  Oh, there are still vast differences in thought, conviction and lifestyles but we’ve learned to agree to disagree.  It’s actually funny that he is the one that always brings up these differences and begins to defend his stance; I just laugh.  Well, I try not to laugh out loud, but just nod and comment here and there to show I’m listening.  I’ve never challenged him on anything, although I will ask him a question to clarify his comments when he is ranting.

Friends at ease merged into friends sought for comfort.  Our paths began to deliberately cross.  Communication increased as did vulnerability.  Little known facts ever so wisely held in secret until trust was built began to be shared.  The scaffold underneath the arrogance and the inflated ego began to take shape in the shadows.  Sadly, it is an all too familiar tale of rejection and pain.  Abuse has not been stated but a likely possibility.

I walked away with my head held high, but now my chin rests on my chest.  I walked away with a few slices from the sword of the tongue yet since then he has treated me with the greatest respect and consideration.  There has been no show of arrogance or ego, only the humility of thinking of the best interest of the other; yet it has been with the microscopic lens of pride that I have viewed him.

Is this all there is of Love?

When I Feel, Then I Do

When I feel

abandoned, angry, bullied, condemned, controlled, demeaned, depressed, forgotten, hated, hopeless, hungry, hurt, insecure, isolated, judged, lonely, managed, misjudged, needy, numb, oppressed, restless, sad, silenced, tired, tricked, unappreciated, unheard, unloved, unnoticed, untouched, victimized, weary, worthless:

then I

act out, bug others for TLC, compare my situation to others, connect with whomever is available and accepting without regard to consequences, criticize, cry, eat with abandon far beyond necessary and without regard to consequences, fight back, look for new style of clothes or hair, look for pleasure and scintillation, look for ways to redecorate, make a mental to-do list, procrastinate, read fluff and trash, retreat, shut down, shop only to return items later, sleep, strike out, watch movies, whine.

When I feel

accepted, acknowledged, appreciated, approved, blessed, cared for, complete, connected, free, happy, heard,  honored, hopeful, included, joyful, loved, open, peaceful, safe, secure, valued, worthy:

then I

am disciplined, am focused, mindful of ways to bless, confident, eat wisely, exercise appropriately, invest less in wayward ways and am less influenced, keep up my home/car proactively, listen to wholesome music and to honorable pastors, march to the beat of my own drum, meet my responsibilities head on, read materials of depth and value, reach out to others, seek connections that are healthy and good, sleep appropriately, speak with encouragement and wisdom, spend time in the Word, walk in holiness.

Our feelings often lead us down paths that are destructive.  Our feelings often lead us up paths to greater strength.  The choice of the paths is ours, even when it seems that we have no choice.  The Truth within the choice will always lead to a place of strength, a place of peace, a place of hope–even when our feelings say otherwise.