Inside Out

Inside Out

Evasive I have seemed, dodging interested women and setting unseen boundaries with laser beam clarity.  Aloof and cold I have been called, selfish and pompous.  With fierce protection I hid my children from potential harm and from the threat of draining relationships.

Materialistic I have appeared, housed in grandeur, excess and privilege.  The three-car garage, the entertainment-style basement, and the pool contribute to my air of affluence.  With dogged determination I have pursued security and status.  Foster care and unrelenting religion cemented the drive for self-sufficiency and untouchability.

Bad in relationships I am, always ranting the expensiveness of the heart.  Revolving door acquaintances supply the hope for intimacy.  Watching the woman I love slowly give way to cancer, watching the woman who gave birth to our children slowly give way to cult-like dogma have given me a perch far removed from vulnerability.

Children grow into young adults and venture into independence.  The sharply drawn boundaries are of little value now.  Social toys and social status have a cost higher than the listed price.  Time and funds are increasingly invested; reward is a decreasing return .  Intimacy cannot be found for there has been limited development in relationships and fly by meetings are less and less common as age and maturity sets in.

Inside out

What was once held within passionate expression and control has become a fluid source of motivation.  Less and less value do these past priorities have; more and more the barriers to my vulnerabilities are being shaken.  The crusty exterior is cracking open, giving way to a glimmer of Light beyond the fortress of success, piercing and exposing fear, loneliness, doubt, the need for acceptance, the need to be valued and the need for love.

On whom can I lean?  From whence comes my approval?  Who will touch me?  Who will listen to me?  Who will respect me?  Who will love me?  Whom can I love, protect and cherish? Inside out my life has become.  I am naked and exposed, vulnerable and alone.

Inside Out 

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4 thoughts on “Inside Out

    • Indeed, there is always hope for renewal. As it happens, this is a true story. Perhaps one day, and I pray that it is so, that he will experience that hope.

      In fact, I would not be surprised if many people can relate. We have a tendency to put our hopes and our security in things that do not last nor can they live up to our expectations and our inner needs.

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    • Life is a journey. For many of us, we spend the first half or much of our lives running away from the past. For many of us, we learn that after all that running, we are right back at square one, but the land which we have traveled is littered with broken bridges and shattered fences. The original pain and offenses remain buried under the destruction and we are no closer to obtaining neither love nor contentment nor peace nor healing than when we first began.

      Life is a journey. There is meaning and purpose in everything that happens. There is value to every soul. There is redemption to every sacrifice. There is Love. There is Hope.

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