Evasive I have seemed, dodging interested women and setting unseen boundaries with laser beam clarity. Aloof and cold I have been called, selfish and pompous. With fierce protection I hid my children from potential harm and from the threat of draining relationships.
Materialistic I have appeared, housed in grandeur, excess and privilege. The three-car garage, the entertainment-style basement, and the pool contribute to my air of affluence. With dogged determination I have pursued security and status. Foster care and unrelenting religion cemented the drive for self-sufficiency and untouchability.
Bad in relationships I am, always ranting the expensiveness of the heart. Revolving door acquaintances supply the hope for intimacy. Watching the woman I love slowly give way to cancer, watching the woman who gave birth to our children slowly give way to cult-like dogma have given me a perch far removed from vulnerability.
Children grow into young adults and venture into independence. The sharply drawn boundaries are of little value now. Social toys and social status have a cost higher than the listed price. Time and funds are increasingly invested; reward is a decreasing return . Intimacy cannot be found for there has been limited development in relationships and fly by meetings are less and less common as age and maturity sets in.
What was once held within passionate expression and control has become a fluid source of motivation. Less and less value do these past priorities have; more and more the barriers to my vulnerabilities are being shaken. The crusty exterior is cracking open, giving way to a glimmer of Light beyond the fortress of success, piercing and exposing fear, loneliness, doubt, the need for acceptance, the need to be valued and the need for love.
On whom can I lean? From whence comes my approval? Who will touch me? Who will listen to me? Who will respect me? Who will love me? Whom can I love, protect and cherish? Inside out my life has become. I am naked and exposed, vulnerable and alone.