Love’s Pure Light

Love’s pure light filled my heart the day that you were born.  You were the most beautiful baby I had ever seen and as I held you there in the hospital.  You only grew more beautiful in my eyes and in my heart.  How delicate and tiny you felt, weightlessly cradled against my chest.  With trepidation and with pride, your mother and I brought you home.  I was so nervous with every bump that I drove over, with every car that came toward us.  What is wrong with these drivers racing about? Don’t they know there is a newborn in my back seat?  Don’t they know how fragile my heart is?

The light of my heart burned brighter as you got older.  You entered school and thrilled your mom and me with all that you set out to do and in all that you accomplished.  The doctors tell us that your spine is not as straight as it should be.  Your pain and discomfort and challenges would only worsen if the torsion continued.  What a trooper you have been with the doctors and therapy and braces.  You will always be love’s pure light of my heart.  You will always be beautiful to me.  Your courage and strength urge me to be a better father.  I swear, if some guy ever breaks your heart, I will twist his back!  “God!  Why are You messing with MY girl?”

Love’s pure light filled my heart the day that you were born.  With each baby I have delivered, I have felt the same.  I am so blessed to be a mother, to be your mother.  When you became a part of our family, you brought joy and freshness to our home.  The red hair and freckles are only outward signs of the fire and determination that is within you. It has not been easy for you.  My heart ached almost inconsolably the first time we took you to the hospital.  You are too young and you are MY daughter; you should not have to be experiencing this pain and suffering.  And yet, you are facing another surgery.  Why can’t it be me?  Why can’t I take your place?  It’s just not fair.  “Lord, protect the fire that is within my beautiful daughter; please, do not let her lose hope.  Please heal her.  That’s all I’m asking, just heal her.  I’ll do anything You ask, if You only heal her.” 

I listened as the doctors told mama and daddy that I needed another operation and that this will not be the last one.  Why me?  Haven’t I been different long enough?  Why can’t I just go to school and play ball like all my friends?  Why do I have to wear THAT THING every night?  The doctor said that the brace would keep my back from twisting more but it didn’t.  So why should I believe him this time?

People freak me out every time I go to the hospital.  They cry and cry and act as if I’m going to die.  They are in a bad mood and are crabby and worry about everything.  It’s just another operation; I’ve had plenty of them before.  My cousins are pretty cool about it all though.

I hate going through all these unnecessary changes but what if it does fix me once and for all?  Maybe one day I’ll be able to wear high heels like my friends.  Maybe one day I’ll be able to play the whole game and not lie awake all night in pain.  Maybe one day there will not be any more braces and physical therapy and tests and doctor’s visits.

What if it’s that time when I have the surgery? What will they do?  What will I do?  What if all my friends find new friends at school while I’m stuck in bed at home?  What if they replace me on the ball team?  What if I am in too much pain to keep up my school work? What if my back keeps twisting?

But You know, God, even though I don’t like what’s going on and how my family hovers over me, I know You are God and You are in control.  I know You love me and You will never leave me.  I know You have a purpose for me so I don’t have to worry about the operation stuff.  I just wish that mama and grandma wouldn’t be so sad and that daddy and grandpa wouldn’t be so worried.  You know, God, I love them all.  Will You let them know it’s going to be okay?  I’m on Your team; how can we lose?

By day the LORD directs His love,

at night His song is with me—

a prayer to the God of my life.

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