Thoughts from a Little Girl
The room is large and I want to follow my mama. The sofa is too high for me to crawl into by myself. The TV is on but I don’t know what they are talking about. The house is silent. I don’t know what to do. Mama told me not to move and that she would be right back. She just had to hang the clothes on the line and it’s too cold for her to take me with her. I don’t like being in the house alone. What if she doesn’t come back?
Mama brought me to school and talked to the principal and the teacher. Mama said I have to go back tomorrow and stay all day. There are lots of little kids like me but they all stare at me. No one plays with me except my teacher. I don’t fit in. I don’t like being left with people I don’t know.
Tommy likes my mama and he comes over a lot. He’s nice to me when she is around. When he keeps me while she is working, I don’t like him. He says things about me to his friends when I am in the same room. He doesn’t like me but he told my mama that he loves me and her. She goes off with him sometimes. I don’t like it that she likes him more than me. He’s not nice.
I tried to tell her one day what he does to me when no one is around. She got angry at me. I messed up her life. I’m always causing trouble for her. Mama told Tommy what I said and then they argued. He said she had to choose between me and him. He spent the night and finally all was quiet. I guess she doesn’t believe me. Maybe I’m not as special as he is. Maybe she loves him but she only takes care of me cause she has to.
High school is so different. Classes are harder, homework is unreal and teachers are less personal. Sports and clubs seem to be important and I’m not interested in any of it. My classmates have changed over the summer. Some are wearing clothes now that I’ve seen adults on TV wear. Some are doing things that I’ve seen adults in movies do. Some are driving already their own cars. They look and act like adults; I still feel like a girl. Being a good girl doesn’t make you a likeable girl but I don’t want to be like them. I tried to talk to mama about it but she said that she felt the same in school. In fact, she still feels like she doesn’t fit in with others or belong even though she is older.
I married him soon after I met him. I thought he was an answer to prayer. I had wanted someone to love me, just for me, since I was a little girl. When we started dating, he was so charming and always seemed to know the right thing to say. He would hold me when I cried and told me that everything was going to be alright, that he hated to see me cry. Now when he sees me crying, he gets angry at me. I messed up his life. I’m always causing trouble for him. So I try to hide my unhappiness from him. Mama told me the same thing when I was a little girl. I guess they are right.
I still feel like a little girl. I don’t like being left alone. I am too much trouble and I mess up people’s lives. I don’t fit in and I don’t like being in large groups of people I don’t know. I still feel like a little girl, waiting to be loved.
I watch my little girl as she works away in her play kitchen. Her make-believe jewels and babies are strewn at her feet. She is chattering up a storm, content and focused on the job at hand. As God as my witness, she will not have to wait to be loved.