What I’ve Been Waiting For?

Is this what I’ve been waiting for?

The days have melted into years and the years have merged into decades.  Yet the deepest desire of my heart beats feverishly still, molding a longing that colors my vision.

So is this what I’ve been waiting for?

I see the blessing bestowed on others, the blessing I want.  These others, beautiful and special though they may be, are just ordinary people.  They are uniquely gifted and have a lot to offer.  They are uniquely flawed and have many areas in need of the oil of grace.  Yet I do not understand how they are different, better or more worthy than I am.  It grieves me how careless they are with the blessing; how ungrateful they sound at times.  It makes me want to run far away from them, far away from the possibility of becoming like them.

So is this what I’ve been waiting for?

I have witnessed, I HAVE experienced what happens when the decision is made to grasp onto what is available rather than waiting for Love worth finding.  I know the reality of being impatient and independent, of being afraid and lonely.  What happens “right now” only lasts for “right now”.  There are no grounds for building a future; there is no intention to build a future.  But love for “right now” feels better than the pain of “right now” and all my yesterdays.

So is this what I’ve been waiting for?

Our convictions are in opposition, our goals are perpendicular in purpose and our priorities are in reverse order to the other.  Yet it is the deepest desire of our heart that has become the cord that binds.  The longing to be blessed and the rebuke of loneliness are fuel to the fire, drawing two radical moths to a single flame.  People come and go, celebrations are short-lived and struggles are constantly re-emerging.  But by default, through it all we have come to be together in the only way we know how as the days have melted together and the years have merged into a decade.

So is this what I’ve been waiting for?

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5 thoughts on “What I’ve Been Waiting For?

  1. there is this ‘be still my soul, the Lord is on thy side’ song somewhere in the lutheran hymnal (and i have heard it in welsh, too; and the latvian luth. hymnal has lyrics starting ‘lead me, o god, and bless my daily path).. and there is this psalm 46 about stillness leading to knowledge of god. i somehow feel that by waiting for something, and by endless comparing of things, one goes rather towards hell than heaven. like those people bitten by snakes (i think it was numbers 4 somewhere) – whilst one looks for snakes, or for the bites, one loses the sight of the sign of life.
    but it is springtime, and time of resurrection and love, and this incredible annual beauty that cannot be taken away from us. smile.

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