Just as dark clouds, oppressive heat and booming thunder have served as signs for a highly charged weather display for this evening, so have events of recent days dripped with ominous revelation. Since Saturday, really the last week or so, a string of little things have happened that has had me wondering, “What’s all this leading to?” Usually I find myself sorting through all this “new” incoming data by doing something totally unrelated and often wacky altogether. In the midst of listening to a children’s radio program while ironing, a revelation or an insight will be clearly seen. Meandering through a hobby store or through an antique store may give me a new perspective. Playing Freecell on the computer is a great place to shift into neutral and let the pieces fall into line. Today, while trying to engineer a courtship between a George Foreman and extra thick bacon, I found my eyes and my mouth popping open wide and not because of a cooking disaster. (To be honest, George Foreman + bacon had me clenching my teeth over the clean up although the BLT was divine.) My eyes and my mouth were popping open wide when finally 1 + 1 = 2.
All these little things had a little thread of commonality–wanting a protector, but forced into battle until the protector arrives. I suppose even a psychological assessment on an internet dating site can be used to speak loud and clear when vision is as muddied as mine. According to the test, I am looking for a protector. This I cannot deny, yet I will turn into a mini-tornado when I am being over protected.
What is interesting is that the two people who have been consistently in my thoughts lately just might be in search of a protector as well. The three of us, two females and one male, are as different as can be–in age, in social status, in life history, in life’s goals and in desires for the future. Yet all three of us would have had very different lives had a protector rushed in at pivotal moments.
Frankly, much of the hurt (with the accompanying disappointment and anger) in my life has come when I expected/needed someone to step in as protector and yet someone didn’t. I find myself going to battle for myself, and continuing to fight, hoping against hope that one day there will be someone who will say, “You’re mine now. I’ll take care of this. This won’t bother you anymore.”
I have always thought that this second woman was insecure. I have often thought she preferred pity, control and fear over Love. I have often thought those characteristics had such a stronghold in her life that her actions couldn’t help but come across as self-protective. It is a difficult challenge not to be self-protective when I feel unprotected, when I feel as if there is no protector to come to my aid and I must fight for myself. Now I wonder how, and if, my relationship will change with this woman when I remember what I learned over a BLT.
“Because he loves Me, I will rescue him;
I will protect him, for he acknowledges My name.
He will call on Me, and I will answer him;
I will be with him in trouble,
I will deliver him and honor him.
With long life, I will satisfy him”