Easier to Not Be

I look ahead at what I would most desire if I could have anything I wanted.  I look ahead and quickly a list clouds my vision.  I look back at what I would have liked to have been, or to have accomplished, and quickly a list impales my memories.

This list that is ever so easily compiled are obstacles and reasons of why something did not, nor will not, happen.

It is easier to NOT be than it is to be.

I’ve listened to the hearts of young people.  I’ve listened to the crying out of preschoolers and the aged.  They all say the same thing.  IF ONLY this would happen, then …

And I began to see myself in each of these faces that were before me.  Bitterness and anger at being trapped.  Anxiety and anger at not being heard or understood.  Indignant at having to be something other than being real when they really do not want to play nice and be sweet.

It seems that the only way to gain peace within one’s community and acceptance within one’s environment is to NOT be.  When in fact the idea that it is easier, and that it is the only option, to NOT be, one realizes all hope is gone.  The fight seeps out like air in a punctured tire.  Doubt and insecurity bubbles up within, like water overtaking a damaged boat.  I’ve watched the toddler and the preschooler crumble into submission.  I’ve watched young people rage within the suffocation and then self-destructively push back.  I’ve watched the aged retreat into a small world of fear and jump, startle and bite at anything or anyone that gets too close.

For those who are strong willed, that struggle to be whom we were created to be when pressured NOT to be is but a mere nuisance in the best of times and like a prolonged pause at life’s traffic lights in the most difficult of times.  For those who are especially sensitive and tender, the fight to override the NOT be directive is almost a suicide mission.  Freedom is desired; the strength to stand up, walk and keep walking may mean walking away from who and what is most important in their lives.

It is easier to NOT be than it is to be, unless the purpose for which one was created is that life rope that pulls the injured vessel to solid ground.

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