I often wonder if you will ever know what if feels like for me to watch you walk away. I often wonder if you will ever know what it feels like waiting for you to return. Yet I hope you never learn what that is like nor come to understand; for that means that you, too, know loved damned.
Each time I see you again, you are so very different. Time marches on whether I am with you or not. The time that I cannot spend with you is lost and for me, that time is wasted. You live on separate from me, a time I cannot regain. I rejoice with tears when into my world you walk again; I grieve with tears when out of my world you must go.
This is not what I envisioned that life would be like when you were born. This is not what I saw happening as I watched you grow. There was a time when you were known as ours and together we cherished you; now, sadly, you are mine on these days and hours. Now, together we divide you. This is how life has been decided and my love for you must be damned. Never forget, and do not be misled, that though my love for you is damned, it is by no means a truth that my love has died.
You see, my love for you must be damned like a reservoir of an overflowing lake. When you are not with me, that love that I have for you must be shored up, controlled and managed, waiting for you to return. The ache, the pressure of holding it within until you are here again almost damns me into a life of anonymity and oblivion. How I count the minutes until the time when freedom allows me to express my love for you in person, face to face.
Bittersweet it is not, to say goodbye to you, my precious child. It is living in lingo, life suspended. It is a private hell. In my mind I know I will see you again and that you are still mine. In my heart, there is doubt, fear and bitterness that you may one day not want to return.
I can scarcely admit to myself that I often wonder. I often wonder what will I do if you, too, choose to permanently cast me aside when now each time we part, my heart is torn asunder?
My love is damned until I see you again. It is only then that the floodgates are suddenly opened and anything becomes possible as faith and hope floods my soul.
(In honor of the one who shares their child, the one whose days are the darkest following the weekend’s good-bye.)